its hard to explain
by loving-reader-and-writer
Summary: Hermione has the worst summer of her life.she is captured by Voldamort and every unforgiveable used exsept the killing curse.when she goes back to school she speaks to a teacher through a dairy until christmas.
1. Chapter 1 revised and added read

**A/N ok I add stuff help me out here read. And comment.**

Hermione just came off the night bus, to the burrow after her doubly painful summer. She had always hated summer. Her friends new it, but didn't truly know why. The reason was that Voldamort had killed her mother in her third year and her father had become a raging abusive drunk. He blamed her and her world for his wife's death.

She was going into her sixth year but was only 15 because she started at the age of 10, some glitch in the system. She walked into the burrow put her bags down and sat on the couch thoroughly exhausted. Her muscles ached, her brain hurt, she was so dehydrated, and tired. The Weaslys and Harry had heard her come in but she usually went to the kitchen for some snack before she went to sleep. So, the Weaslys went to her. Molly immediately saw she looked unfed and thirsty.

"Oh, dear ill get something to eat and drink for you, you look dreadful." She exclaimed as she ran to the kitchen. Ron and Harry looked concerned as they examined her thoroughly. Her vision began to get hazy she wanted to say something to put them at ease but found she couldn't say anything her voice to strained.

"Hermione what happened to you?" Harry asked since Ron was stunned still.

She tried to say that she was fine but she could no longer see or move at all she fell away into a memory. She was in a deep sleep when molly came back. Molly tried to wake her to get her to eat but she wouldn't get up.

By now Ginny had gotten up and come down so now it was Harry, Ron, Molly, and Ginny. Ginny looked tired still but wanted to come see Hermione before she went to be. She saw her mother shaking her a lot and Ron and Harry telling her to wake up." Mom, what's wrong? Is she ok?" Ginny asked frightened.

Molly took out her wand and preformed a couple of spells. Molly was a great home maker and care giver but never good at getting accurate diagnostic spells correct." She seems to be just sleeping and a little malnourished. I don't understand why though." Molly concluded. Molly waked to the kitchen and thought while the boys and Ginny looked at Hermione quizzically.

_DREAM/MEMORIE _

_Voldamort sat on his throne –a wooden chair with a glamour spell on it-- staring smugly at his prisoner." Miss Granger, where is our dearest Potter?" Voldamort asked in the iciest of tones." I WILL NEVER TELL. I AM A LOYAL..." Hermione's voice faltered from 2 months of screaming the same thing over and over again._

_Voldamort was defiantly angry. He stood up and walked to Hermione until he was inches from her. She did not back away. Normally his followers wouldn't be in the room but he thought they might intimidate her so he brought them in on the torture this time. He looked into her eyes and delved into her mind._

_Hermione had studied both legamency and occulamancy through out her school months. She had it perfected by the 5th time she tried. Harry told her everything that Snape told him so that helped tremendously. She also figured out something that she found in no book. She had found a way to create memories by strongly and in detail imagining something without it actually happening._

_He had never used legamency before. It took her by surprise, but she still always had her mind blocked. He was sorting out her memories and she let him see her Harry, and Ron having fun._

_They were playing cards, talking, watching a movie muggle of course, and her and Ron kissing._

_Voldamort was still looking she thought he would leave by now. So, she created a few memories she knew would push him out. Hermione knew how to do it with her magic but she wasn't very strong now so it wasn't an option. She thought hard about Harry and Ron beating her kicking her, punching, slapping, and yelling at her until she was all bloody and bruised. It was so vivid Voldamort believed it._

_He left her mind and stumbled back, staring at her intently._

"_If they do such things to you why would you protect them?" He asked Hermione showing confusion. Apparently forgetting his followers were in the room._

_She did not answer him. Truth be told she couldn't think of anything that wouldn't sound foolish. She hadn't expected him to ask so she didn't prepare._

"_I could save you from them. You could become my queen." He said in a soft tone._

_It surprised her that he could achieve such a low and gentle voice. She almost laughed at the fact that he thought she would fall for it. She was thinking up a cheeky answer, Even though it would earn her the cruciatus when she was done._

_She walked up to him and circled him." Why such a tempting offer." she said in a light sexy voice. Well best she could muster since her voice was over used." Why would u give me a mud blood know-it-all school girl such an option so great?" she smiled inwardly at how mad he would get." You are smart and are capable of helping Me." he watched Hermione's body move around him." It's so tempting to say yes, but as I know," she spoke into his ear. He shuddered. "You will be on the losing side of this war I will never be in your ranks, EVER."_

_He swirled around and yelled "CRUCIO!!" she fell to the ground, but did not scream. She had stopped screaming after a weak it was a waste of energy, but since she was changing the routine...she burst out laughing like a mad women. All the death eaters gasped. Voldamort intensified the curse and so did her laughter. Hermione's laughing was the same as screaming to her._

_After an hour more of torture he ordered a death eater one she knew to be Luscious Malfoy to take her back to her cell. When they arrived she smiled deviously at him. Malfoy looked her over noticing every curve of Hermione's young body._

"_What are you thinking?" she asked innocently." That I will bed you tonight." he said already advancing on her. She backed away slowly. Swaying her hips provocatively. God she really didn't want to do this." Why? Because now you know that the dark lord wants me?" she said knowing the answer when he did not answer her she continued. "I propose...a deal."_

"_And what would this ...deal be?" he said drawling closer to her." That you may bed me if... you get me out...I swear that I won't say a word" she added hastily." I agree to your deal. And the only word you'll be saying or shall I say be screaming is my name."_

_END DREAM/MEMORIE_

Hermione woke with a start, but some one pushed her back down. She focused and it was Ron, she began to cry. Ron pulled her close and she cried on him.

"Oh, Ron it was a terrible dream it just wouldn't end."

She lied to them by saying that it was a dream. She knew it was not however. She looked around as her sniffles quieted she saw the twins, Harry, Ginny, Molly, and Ron staring back at her. Hermione told them a made up story that she thought reasonable for who they thought she was.

Molly spoke first "I'll start dinner. Hermione you look famished."

Hermione just nodded. For an hour they all caught up on their summer activities. She added her father into some of hers. Every thing was normal. Well to them Hermione was the same. She hadn't been truly happy in years so no one could tell the difference.

"I am going to take a shower guys." Hermione said. She wanted to clean herself she felt filthy. She untangled herself from Ron. It was hard she didn't like Ron anymore. He was too immature. What she went through made her grow up a great deal. As she took her shower she sang to get her mind of things. Hermione sang very well. No one knew, they all thought she was tone def.

She came down and dinner was ready the only place left was in between the twins. She smiled as she sat down.

"Hello Fred," she said looking at him "hello George." she said looking at George. She could tell every one apart now just by their smell, walk, smile, anything. Hermione spent enough time thinking shed never see them reviewing everything she ever saw of them over and over. It surprised every one when she got their names rite. Everyone was looking at her.

"What? What did I do?" she asked innocently.

"You can tell the twins apart since when? Not even Mum can." Ron piped up out of the stunned silence.

"I have my ways." she answered cheekily.

Everyone just smiled and ate.

Hermione spent her time reading and doing the summer home work that she couldn't do. Her father was going to be furious. He'd probably beat her worse than before or ……maybe even………no she wouldn't think of it. She had until winter break, the only break she didn't spend at the school or the burrow.

They were leaving for Grim Wald place that afternoon so she was in her room packing the last of her books when she smelled the familiar scent of herbs, earth, and potions.

"Hello Professor." Hermione greeted without turning. She turned around with her trunk if he was surprised he didn't show it. "Are you ready to leave?" he asked. She nodded," may you?" she pointed to her trunk asking him to shrink it. "You can carry it." He said irritated as he was walking away she mumbled. "Actually I can't." Snape turned around quickly. "What was that Miss Granger?" he asked harshly. "I said I can't I haven't …..been well this summer" she answered he looked like he didn't believe her but shrunk her trunk anyway. She said thank you following him out.

A/N ok I have added a bit and fixed some things pleas comment now i've forgotten where I was going with this so give me some ideas of where you would like it to go.


	2. Chapter 2 THE TRIP

**A/N: I know I'm soooo sorry for taking for ever there is no excuse for it fell free to review and say something and I'm always open for ideas on where to go next. I think I did well. ENJOY!!**

**Chapter 2 the trip**

Hermione followed behind Snape wondering how they were going to get to the train this year. They sometimes used floo other times the used broom which she hated and everyone knew it, she made sure they did. She had read every book one flying of course but that didn't get rid of the fear even the thought used to make her shiver, however now she didn't even feel an inkling of fear. This surprised her so much she gasped. Snape stopped and turned sharply to glare at her.

"Sorry professor ……but how are we getting to the train this year?" Hermione asked.

"We are going by broom." He answered with what she would call amused grin. It couldn't be a smile Severus Snape never smiled.

"Oh……..ok." was the surprisingly simple response he received. She hoped to see surprise or even curiosity but all she got was a blink before he started walking again. Hermione sighed and followed him out the door she began to feel a little tired even with food and proper sleep though it was filled with nightmares. She sighed, suddenly more glade to be flying than using the floo. She didn't see or sense anyone else around she was about to say something to Snape.

"The plan has been that every one leaves separately at different times it will be safer." He said quietly. "You do remember how to fly Miss Granger?"

"I do professor." She gave a quick nod. Hermione got on the broom he handed her in one fluid motion just how she had seen harry do a million times. Snape did the same. She smiled to herself as she kicked off into the air. Again he followed suit kicking off as if he had lived on a broom. She looked at him next to her curiously, wondering if he had played qudich (sp?) in school. As they were rising and then moving forward she started to smile. A real smile, she looked at him again he seemed pleased. At least that's the only word she could seem to find that would fit his expression. As Hermione paid more attention to his posture he looked like he was holding back.

"_Well if he is holding back let's see how good he is and myself for that matter."_ She thought as she speeds up testing the waters so to speak. He easily kept pace. So Hermione kept steadily going faster and so did he. She was smiling more and more as they sped up.

-------------------------------------POV change----------------------------

Severus Snape looked at the girl next to him when she began going faster. He thought she was afraid of heights she freaked out the last year that the order had to travel by broom. He kept pace of course he wasn't going to let her show him up. She surprised he as she kept going faster and faster. He was holding back before because he didn't want her to fall but here she was taking what he thought was a risk to her by going faster. Severus looked at her she was smiling; he had never seen that smile on her face not even when she was around Potter and Weasly. He wanted to smile whenever he was on a broom but it seemed he was always with someone that he needed to be stoic in front of. Severus love to fly was good at it too. He felt safer than anywhere else like no one could touch him up there. He looked sharply at her when she began to laugh. Her eyes were so bright.

-----------------------Back to our girl Hermione---------------------

Hermione laughed like she never had before she felt so happy so free. After being held in a tiny cell for months she was absolutely happy to be surrounded by nothing but the wind. The wind wiped through her hair tangling it but she didn't care she continues to laugh and smile. Hermione wanted more so she jerked her broom up ward then rolled holding he legs tightly around the broom her hand still lose. She straightened out smiling so much her cheeks hurt. Oh, she wished it would never end but suddenly she smelt old blood and………Lucius Malfoy.

"Professor!" She yelled over the wind "we have trouble BIG trouble!" all traces of her smile gone. Hermione had no delusions that she would never see them again but still she had hoped not to see the death eaters so soon. She knew that she was weak and her magic in a fragile state due to the various magic tortures that she had suffered Voldemorts hand. Hermione also didn't think she could out fly them without falling. Her body was sore and her muscles prone to shakes. She flew closer to Snape he had his wand out at the ready. They must be planning on a frontal assault and not far away if she could smell them as fast as she was going.

"_Then again they reek like they never wash in their lives so maybe I can about 10ft to their distance" _she thought.

--------------------------------------------POV change-------------------------------

When Hermione yelled out his title Severus was startled and looked at her sharply. He was having the most fun he had had in a long time then she said they had trouble. The tone of her voice convinced him she was positive of this. Severus pulled out his wand holding it ready to fight.

"They are coming at us, death eaters, they're only about half a mile of by now at our speed and their possible speed we have about 4 minutes. I can't fight ……I'm not well" Her voice bordered on pleading at the end. He was surprised at all the information she had just given him. He remembers a probably in math with trains that his teacher had given him before he went to Hogwarts. He supposed that she used the same one; she must be good he thought. Severus took all her words in to account.

"We are going to go up above the far above the clouds and turn slightly. Understand?"HE said this expecting her to suggest something foolish like her two dunderhead friends, but she didn't she simply gave a short nod and started to rise quickly. He watched her in short glances she seemed relieved but that was all he could tell her face was a little pale, her body relaxed, her face blank, and a muscle in her arm was twitching rapidly. It looked like it should be painful.

**A/N: thank you for reading I'm really sorry for the super long wait tell me if you like or want me to keep with the POV changes. If you don't say you want to keep them I'm going to just Hermione's point of view. Give me every opinion you got. Oh and tell me all my spelling mistakes I know I have a few book related ones.**


	3. Chapter 3 the trip continued

**A/N: I'm on a roll, be happy I don't think it will last.**

**Chapter 3 the trip continued**

Hermione kept her face as blank as she could and her body as relaxed as possible. Her arm was having a particularly painful muscle spasm and relaxing her body always seemed to help. Going through the cloud was cold and she was soaked when they came out. Her spell casting was going hey wire so she didn't even try to cast a drying spell. The last spell she cast was mufaleto; she wasn't able to speak for two days. She grit her teeth as her arm muscle finally seized up due to the cold night air plus her newly wet state.

Snape saddled up next to her, "Transfer to my broom." Snape told her.

"Why?" Hermione asked looking at him.

"Because unless you know how to do maneuvers that will get us out of death eaters spell fire I suggest you start moving!", he demanded.

"Behind you or in front professor?" she asked.

With the raised eye brow he gave her she figured it was safe to assume that he meant behind. Swinging her leg over his broom when he got close enough she used the hand that had the still seized muscle and grab his shoulder as best she could transferring fully to his broom still holding the broom he had given her. Snape shrunk the broom and Hermione placed it in her robe pocket. She heard Snape swearing about his misfortune, she would have laughed at hearing one of her professors' curse had it not been such a risky situation.

Hermione's arm relaxed a few minutes late, she felt so relieved that she sighed and flexed her arm. Both Snape and Hermione tensed as they were now flying over and slightly to the left of 5 death eaters. She pulled her hood up and tucked her feet as close to her as possible suddenly glad for her choice of black robes. Not only did it cover how skinny she was but it had some kind of blending spell she hadn't got a chance to research yet witch made her blend into the darkness of the night.

They were past them in a matter of seconds flying as fast as possible. They were both still tense for at least ten minutes before Snape relaxed but Hermione stayed tense because now her side muscle was completely tight. She was breathing heavily through it. Snape didn't say a word about it and she was grateful she knew that he must feel it considering how close she was to him.

"We are an hour out from the safe house from there we will go to the train in the morning!" Snape called over his shoulder.

Hermione was so tired she actually laid her head against his back. He immediately stiffened but she nodded to his statement so he could tell she herd. Her side still tensed the rest of her relaxed as she griped the extra folds of his robe that always billowed. Snape stayed tense not knowing what to do or why his student had laid her head on him. Hermione fell asleep quickly her hands still tight in his robes.

**A/N: sorry I know its short my creative mind is running short I need ideas and whatever you got !!!**


	4. Chapter 4 house and slightly beyond

**A/N: ok I hope this ends up being longer as always comment away but please be tactful. Yes I have read the books but I do not own them in any form. And my internet is currently down so be patient please and if anyone wants to beta my story please message me or email me at friend_amber_love , so let's begin.**

**CHAPTER 4 THE SAFE HOUSE**

Snapes feet touched the ground in front of the small cabin with the white door carefully cloaked by spells of all kinds by Dumbledore. Hermione almost fell off before she caught herself. Blinking she started to walk to the door of the cabin in a sleep deprived daze. Snape quickly waved his hand at the door as he realized that she wasn't slowing down, not that she was going that fast anyway. Hermione looked at the open door confused she hadn't touched it but she shrugged it off seeing the couch beyond the door. Almost happily, she collapsed upon it, quickly asleep and softly breathing. Snape just shook his head and took the bed room to sleep in.

Hermione woke early her body so used to waking up at what used to be the uncomfortable hour of 4:00 am. Now that time just became a part of her routine. She went in search of food. Walking into the small kitchen that wasn't but maybe 3 feet away from the dingy brown couch she had slept on, she supposed it should have been uncomfortable. However only being away from Voldemort 2 weeks and sleeping outside in nature that time, it was as good to her as the fluffiest pillow you could imagine. Hermione sighed looking through the cabinets in the dark wasn't easy but she did it. She found bread, peanut butter, and pumpkin juice. Spreading the peanut butter on the bread and devouring it, along with practically chugging the juice.

Hermione then went in search of something to occupy her time until Snape woke up. Looking around the dingy cabin she decided that it needed a good cleaning. About to search for supplies to clean with she realized that it probably wouldn't be a good idea considering it a safe house therefore suppose to be unremarkable in every way and if she cleaned it would probably be gleaming in every single dark corner. Hermione moved over to the very full book shelf and pulled out what looked to be an empty journal. It had silver lining all around the edges and in the center it had a small box surrounded in green curls. She looked it over admiring its craftsmen ship. She flipped through it finding no words she put it in her cloak pocket. Sighing now that that idea was out she sat on the couch thinking back on her stay with Voldemort if you could say it so simply.

The first thing that came to mind was how she got captured in the first place.

-------------------------------------------------Memories---------------------------------------------

Walking home from yet another hospital run Hermione was cradling her newly braced sprained wrist. Her wand was in her waist band resting at her hip; her faded dark jeans had rips in them that Hermione didn't even remember when they got there, her loose black shirt rippled in the wind as she walked home. She knew that she shouldn't have just left without giving them any information at all but she couldn't very well pay for it and her father would be none too happy with the bill anyway. Hermione had gotten very skilled at getting in a hospital for treatment without having to give information and just as good at getting out. She also made sure to go to a different hospital as often as she could. A sad fact but a lucky one for her was that her father had moved them to the slummiest neighborhood he could find and this neighborhood had many hospitals. He moved them when her mother was killed by Deatheaters the muggle community sees it as a simple car crash but the signs were unmistakable to her. It was most defiantly a Deatheaters attack. She heard a rustle in the distance somewhere in the trees that surrounded her on this warm early morning. Her ears on alert, she quickened her pace on the dirt path. This district wasn't the safest and Hermione, after only a month of living there had gotten better at discerning the level of danger to certain sounds.

Apparently she wasn't that good at it because not but a minute later she saw black cloaks and white masks. Her hand didn't even reach her wand before blackness washed over her.

Hermione woke up in a small very warm cell with no window at all. The door in front of her looked like it was made of metal. It had no handle. This only confirmed her suspicion that she was indeed captured by Deatheaters. It wasn't a dream, she didn't imagine it, and she really needed to think of a way out.

----------------------------------------------------------------End memory------------------------------------

She blinked and looked at the clock it was seven o'clock now. She heard a rustle coming from the back room she immediately pulled her wand and had it pointed in that direction. She wasn't about to make the mistake assuming no threat ever again. Then she smelt the unmistakable scent on her potions master, the scent of herbs and wood smoke. He stood still in the entrance to the room waiting for her to lower her wand. So slowly she lowered it but didn't put it away. She thought of the confirmation question she was told to ask him. Every member of the order had one.

"Who set fire to your robes professor?" Hermione asked.

"Quarrel of course." He answered simply, and Hermione smiled, he still didn't know it was her that set his robes aflame. "It's about time you finally became aware of your surroundings. I didn't think I was making any noise." He smirked. That was as close to a compliment anyone could get from the dark man. Hermione nodded in acknowledgement to him.

"I've been up since four in the morning sir I didn't know what to do I left some food I found out for you." Hermione told him. He simple nodded just as she had done a moment before. Coming back in the room five minutes later he found her in the same spot he had left her in before.

"We leave in ten minutes be ready" Snape told her.

"I'm ready now if you are professor?" Hermione responded within a split second.

"Ok lets go." he answered gruffly clearly not happy about her response.

Snape enlarged their brooms as they stepped out the door both mounting and taking went straight up flying quickly in to the clouds and above. Snape not exspecting her speedie take off wasn't too far behind her.


	5. auther note

**Authors' Note**

**Hey I'm so sorry for not updating I have been writing and thinking on the story so please just be a little more patient with me. Give me some help on what you would like to read. I haven't had Microsoft word on my computer so that's why I haven't been writing. I have another week until summer so there will be more updates. If u see mistakes please tell me nicely and I will fix them. Though imp kind of a procrastinator so it may be a bit before I do. I am currently about to write a chapter so it'll be up by Saturday, hopefully. ****J J don't be too mad at me please. Also I demand a review to help me out so please review this note.**


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